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  • May 15, 2021

Exclusive: Cheers and Jeers: Monday

 Exclusive: Cheers and Jeers: Monday


The survey found that 68% of Americans support Biden’s $2.2 trillion infrastructure and jobs proposal—a plan that defines “infrastructure far beyond roads and bridges, adding in things like eliminating lead water pipes, help for caregivers and money for community colleges and child care. Less than a third—29%—of the public opposes the idea.

Ding Ding Ding!!!  Americans love it!  Get on it, Senate—the American Jobs Plan is a bipartisan winner!

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Join us next week for another exciting edition of Is This Bipartisan Enough For Ya, Senators?

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 3, 2021

Note: Today is Garden Meditation Day. Please zen your auras responsibly or I’m pulling out the pepper spray.  —Mgr.

By the Numbers:

JoeBidenAmtrak50thApril2021.jpg
President Biden celebrates Amtrak’s 50th choo-choo-iversary.

Age of Amtrak as of Saturday: 50

Percent of Americans polled by NBC News who believe “government should do more to solve problems & help meet the needs of people,” versus 41% who favor doing less: 55%

Percent by which glaciers are melting faster than they did 15 years ago, according to satellite measurements: 31%

Miles of the Trump border fence—out of the 1,954 miles he promised in 2016—that were simply reinforcing existing fence: 400

Miles of the Trump fence that went up where no fence had existed before: 49

Cost of a do-it-yourself, single-use ladder to scale the fence: $5

Length and weight of the “fatberg” made up of flushed baby wipes, diapers, and sanitary products now clogging a sewer in Birmingham, England: ½ mile, 330 tons

Puppy Pic of the Day: The week begins in Corporate Land…

CHEERS and JEERS to another week on Planet Covid. As we have for the last year, here we go again with another weekly check of the latest coronavirus numbers for the historical record, courtesy of the tote board of woe. Worldwide now: over 153 million cases, and our domestic death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 31st-largest city Milwaukee, Wisconsin:

1 year ago: 1.2 million confirmed cases. 62,000 deaths

6 months ago: 9.4 million confirmed cases. 236,000 deaths

3 months ago: 27 million confirmed cases. 450,000 deaths

This morning: 33 million confirmed cases. 591,000 deaths

But there’s good news, too: The Biden administration blew through its “200-million shots in arms in 100 days” promise a week early, and now we’re planning to send a minimum of 60-million doses to India and other countries. Dear god, please tell me we’re not sending it USPS.

JEERS to sending stuff USPS. Because as long as postmaster Louis KillJoy is at the helm, mail service is going to be slow, unreliable, and crumbly. Thankfully, that might not be for long, because the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee…

…approved President Joe Biden’s three nominees to the governing board of the U.S. Postal Service.

df3156dc-bbb6-44f6-aaf6-f2d15da27cde-AP_Election_2020_Postal_Service.jpg
Brighter days ahead.

The nominees — Ron Stroman, a former deputy postmaster general; Amber McReynolds, who leads the nonprofit National Vote at Home Institute; and Anton Hajjar, the former general counsel of the American Postal Workers Union — now need to be confirmed by the full Senate before taking positions on the board.

 The nominations could potentially shake up the Postal Service at a time when Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, a major Republican Party donor, pushes a controversial overhaul of mail operations. If approved, the trio would give Democrats and Democratic appointees a majority on the governing board.

I know what we should give DeJoy as a parting gift: a free nostalgic ride through a sorting machine.

CHEERS to the shining city on a hill. Happy 219th Birthday to Washington, D.C., incorporated May 3, 1802. (These old maps are cool—I hear you can see Russia from the Capitol dome.)

1792 map of Washington DC
1792 map of Washington, D.C. by surveyor Andrew Ellicott

I was going to send everyone who lives there a gift basket filled with representation to go with your taxation, but Congress—led by Democrat Joe Manchin—says it can’t deliver that item on certain days. Namely Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So instead I’m sending you a lovely Lincoln Memorial snow globe. (When you shake it, a little plastic Marjorie Taylor-Greene falls down the steps and gets an owie.)

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to the days of lollipops and surpluses.  24 years ago this week, President Bill Clinton and congressional Republicans came to terms on a plan to balance the budget over five years.  Said Newt Gingrich of the bipartisan agreement: “This is a great moment for our children and our grandchildren and our country, and we are proud to be part of that.”  Fourteen years later, as a presidential candidate, Gingrich foolishly raised his hand during a debate when asked if he would veto a budget with ten dollars in cuts for every 1 dollar in revenue increases.  But in fairness, he did also offer jobs to our children and grandchildren. As janitors. On the moon. Amazingly, he didn’t become president.

JEERS to the worst room with a view ever. In Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, a man was got trapped inside a port-o-potty when a tree fell on it:

Robinson said crews treated it like a car entrapment, cutting away the tree with a chain saw and then cutting the portable toilet open with another saw. “He was very lucky,” said Robinson, who has been a volunteer firefighter for three decades. “It was a large tree, and it just missed striking him. It could have been very serious.”

Fortunately, the man said he was used to being stuck in a tiny room where one asshole after another comes in to piss and moan and spew crap all day. Then he excused himself and drove off to work for another exciting day as a Fox News producer.

Ten years ago in C&J: May 3, 2011

CHEERS to boffo reviews. “Classic.” “Brilliant.” “Textbook operation.” “Clean hit.” “Deftly handled.” “One for the books.” Those are some of the terms used to describe the operation that sent Osama bin Laden into the hereafter, thanks to Navy SEALs given the green light by President Obama.

President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden, along with with members of the national security team, receive an update on the mission against Osama bin Laden in the Situation Room of the White House, May 1, 2011. Please note: a classified document seen in this photograph has been obscured. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)..This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.
The iconic photo. Thank god Dems control the situation room again.

I hope Osama’s spirit somehow ends up getting stuck in Dick Cheney’s house, where he spends his time as a really clumsy ghost who keeps knocking over lamps and playing piano with his butt. That’d be like hell for all of them, and thus a satisfying coda to the saga.

But beyond the whooping and flag-waving, there’s the stark reminder that OBL wasn’t really in charge of much anymore (as evidenced by the fresh shuffleboard scores on his patio chalkboard and New York Times crosswords piled up next to the cat’s litter box.) There are still lots of lunatics out there, and as Chris Matthews said last night on Hardball: “You can’t just kill terrorists, you have to kill the reason they want to be terrorists.” Great—so when do we leave Iraq and Afghanistan?  [5/3/21 Update: December 18, 2011 from Iraq and September 11, 2021 from Afghanistan. And we hope you learned your lesson, you bad, bad terrorists.]

JEERS to Wankerrific Moments in Self-importance.  Sometimes an op-ed column is, not unlike an Ed Wood movie, so bad that it achieves a special place in the archive of eye rolling.  That’s why May 3rd is officially designated “Richard Cohen Day.” On May 3, 2006, Cohen went into a little tirade against Stephen Colbert’s routine at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner—now considered a courageous and often gut-busting classic skewering a scowling George W. Bush as the president sat just a few feet away. Cohen defended his ability to gauge what’s funny and what’s not with perhaps the most wince-worthy opening paragraph of the decade: 

First, let me state my credentials: I am a funny guy.

Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen
Funny guy.

This is well known in certain circles, which is why, even back in elementary school, I was sometimes asked by the teacher to “say something funny”—as if the deed could be done on demand.

 Even elementary school kids know that if you have to convince us that you’re funny by telling us you’re funny…you’re not funny.  Funny how that works.

 Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

Yeah, I admit it: I was wrong about Bill in Portland Maine. So, so wrong. And I couldn’t be happier about it
Kos





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