Late Night Snark: TGIF Grab Bag Edition
“Vice President Kamala Harris praised Texas Democrats’ plan to leave the state ahead of a Republican-led effort to pass a restrictive new voting law. ‘Hey, I was leaving Texas way before it was cool,’ said Ted Cruz.”
“It does raise the question: If you’re chosen by God to be above the government, why do you care who’s in charge of it?”
—Stephen Colbert, on Capitol insurrectionist Pauline Bauer, who claimed in court that she’s a “divine entity” not subject to federal law.
You are now below the fold. Don’t get the bends on your way back up.
“The state of Tennessee is making news after they decided to stop promoting vaccines for kids for any disease, including covid. That might explain a few of their new state mottos: Tennessee—come for the music, stay for the polio.
Here’s another: Tennessee—Nine letters, just like hepatitis.
And finally: Tennessee—the only medicine kids need is Jack Daniels.”
“I dream of a day when space travel is available not only to billionaires, but to any person with a net worth of over $500 million.”
“Maybe Justice Breyer doesn’t want to retire because he thinks a worthy replacement isn’t out there. The good news is, I’m available! Now, I don’t have a law degree, and I’m pretty sure habeus corpus is a sex fetish, but I think I’m perfect for the high court. I’m judgmental, I’ve watched hundreds of hours of Law and Order…and you’ll never have to replace me because I’ve already pre-recorded opinions for every possible case after I die. [Like,] if you don’t like Congress taxing time travel, go back in time and do something about it! ”
—Lewis Black on The Daily Show
I bet it’ll be so hard for anyone having a baby this July to resist naming them The 2020 Tokyo Olympics
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 16, 2021
Note: 7777777777777777777777777777777777 Sorry about that. Had to clean some nacho cheese off my 7 key. All better now. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the start of the Tokyo Olympics: 7
Average number of people shot and killed per month in road rage incidents in 2020, nearly double the monthly average of the prior four years: 42
Number of refunds going out this week to taxpayers who overpaid on their 2020 unemployment benefits: 4 million
Expected wait time if you apply for an “expedited” passport by paying an extra $60, according to the State Department: 12 weeks
Percent chance that Italy just banned giant dysentery-carrying pollution machines known as “cruise ships” from sailing into Venice: 100%
Percent of the waste water that’s recycled aboard the ISS: 93%
Puppy Pic of the Day:
CHEERS to spending America’s money wisely. Republicans love to use the phrase “I’m from the government and I’m here to help” as a punch line, mainly because when they control the federal government they have neither the competence nor the inclination to actually help anyone but the right-wing grifter class. So here’s what it looks like when Democrats are in power and get down to the business of helping: starting yesterday, most parents will get monthly cash payments—aka “Biden bucks”—to support their kids’ needs (no, that doesn’t include your lottery tickets, Schlitz, or cigaboos, Mom and Dad):
The payments, which were included in the American Rescue Plan, change an existing tax credit by expanding the eligibility pool and increasing the money families get. Under the expanded credit, the IRS, also for the first time, offers the option to receive the payments monthly, rather than in a lump sum as a tax refund.
The expanded payments are expected to dramatically decrease the number of children living in poverty; the White House estimates that child poverty could be reduced by as much as 50 percent.
“This major middle-class tax relief and step in reducing child poverty is a remarkable economic victory for America—and also a moral one,” Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said in a statement.
Trickle-up economics. Why, it’s just not crazy enough to work.
P.S. For our red-hatted cultist readers:
Moral, adj.: holding or manifesting high principles for proper conduct. Virtuous, good, upstanding.
Or, in language they can understand: “Og, og! Og og og! Og!”
JEERS to meddlesome meddling. Remember when the red-hatted cultist machine freaked out about the rumor that Joe Biden was planning to send people out to go door to door administering the COVID vaccine? (They’re really coming for your guns and your Bibles! Whatever happened to the sacred right to privacy? They’re gonna microchip us!) Well, in Arizona, the sham auditeers have screwed up so bad that they’re now talking about…actually going door-to-door to harass 2020 voters about their votes (and probably steal their guns and Bibles):
The result [of their incompetence] could be workers from Cyber Ninjas showing up at the doors of some voters to try to resolve them.
Senate President Karen Fann confirmed that she is considering giving the go-ahead for that despite being told earlier this year by the U.S. Department of Justice that “raises concerns regarding potential intimidation of voters.”
The fraudit isn’t the only thing going ineptly (by design) for the conspiracy nuts. Maricopa County Superior Court Judge Michael Kemp ruled yesterday that Republicans in the state Senate and their Cyber Ninja overlords can’t keep their documents secret, including the identities of their financial backers, saying it “would be an absurd result and undermine Arizona’s strong public policy in favor of permitting access to records reflecting governmental activity.” But it’s not all going badly down there for them—on Monday Arizona will celebrate its newest legislature-approved state holiday: Bamboo Fiber Liberation Day. Please: fire your guns into the air willy-nilly responsibly.
CHEERS to lighting one helluva candle. Today is the 52nd anniversary of the liftoff of Apollo 11, when we sent three biologically-active bags of water into the cold and unforgiving void known as “space” in a tin can filled with blinking lights and Tang for a week or two. Cronkite’s understatement: “Oh, boy, What a moment.” Watch it on the way back machine…
The mission would fulfill a vision set forth by President John F. Kennedy eight years earlier to put a man on the moon before decade’s end, and would climax with Neil Armstrong’s immortal words four days later: “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for… Mmmm! Hey guys, it’s cheddar!”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to the current chain of command. Seventy-four years ago Sunday, on July 18, 1947, President Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act, which clearly establishes who takes over if the president dies or is otherwise incapacitated. Here’s the current lineup, which is a sight better than what it looked like a year ago:
Vice President Kamala Harris (First woman president? Fine by me.)
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (She’d be the first president to wield a gavel behind the Resolute Desk.)
President pro tempore of the Senate Patrick Leahy (Free Ben & Jerry’s for everybody.)
Sec. of State Antony Blinken (A. Blinken?…Abe Lincoln? I say he should be allowed to leapfrog to the top for that.)
Sec. of the Treasury Janet Yellen (Can we just pause for a moment to thank all the gods above that Steve Mnuchin is gone…and to also ask if all the gold in Fort Knox was accounted for after he left?)
Gary the House Janitor (In fairness, if he can clean up vomit in the school cafeteria, he can probably clean up Washington.)
Dopey (This would not be good because he’d be dwarfed by world events.)
After that they just start drawing random names out of Congresswoman Virginia Foxx’s girdle.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of some of the eyestuff that may end upon your TV this weekend. Chris, Rachel, and Lawrence’s guest host lead things off on MSNBC. And that’s it, really, for tonight, so you might want to dive into something streaming via whatever looks good at Rotten Tomatoes.
Sports: the baseball schedule is here (the Yankees are in for more righteous abuse by the Red Sox this weekend, and we’re here for it). Game 5 of the NBA finals between the Strapping Young Bucks and My Three Suns airs tomorrow night on ABC. And even if you don’t give a caddie’s p’tootey about golf, chances are you’ll take an occasional cursory look at the leader board for the 149th British Open (7am tomorrow on NBC, with highlights at 3pm for us sleeper-inners), happening at Royal St. George’s in Sandwich, home to the dreaded Welsh rarebit traps and lakes of flaming haggis.
On 60 Minutes: encore reports on autism, COVID, and the saga of six teens stranded on a deserted island. And now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Springfield, MO Mayor Ken McClure; former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mike Mullin; Executive Director of the Center for Election Innovation & Research David Becker; former director of the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency Chris Krebs; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; new poll numbers from CBS News Elections & Surveys Director Anthony Salvanto; CBS News Business Analyst Jill Schlesinger.
CNN’s State of the Union: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Bill Cassidy (CULT-LA).
Fifteen years ago in C&J: July 16, 2006
JEERS to the other Tuesday massacre. In Iraq, bombs killed 60 people yesterday, including one that went off across the street from the frickin’ Green Zone. Thank God Don Rumsfeld was available to make a surprise visit there to visit his self-described “Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time.” He’s cuddly.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the building eggscitement. Sunday is National Caviar Day. I’m sure you’re itching, as I am, to send the butler to the walk-in refrigerator to dip into your resplendent reservoir of roe. But before you do, make sure he’s not gonna f*ck it up:
Fine caviar should never be served with or stored in metal because of oxidation which can impart a metal flavour to the berries (yes, that what each little egg is properly called). Serve caviar very cold and nestled inside another bowl or container that holds ice to keep it fresh and cool.
Choose servers made of glass, bone, wood or plastic. If you want to go by tradition, try mother-of-pearl or gold.
While it’s tempting to overdo it, try not to as eating more than two ounces or two spoons of caviar is considered a social faux pas.
And no matter what, fellow Kossacks, never, ever spill any caviar on your Manolo Blanhiks. They kick people out of country clubs for less.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?