Late Night Snark: Our Long Covid Nightmare Is Over? Edition
Clip of CDC Director Rochelle Walensky: If you are vaccinated, you can start doing the things, big and small, that you had stopped doing because of the pandemic.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, man. I think things are about to get crazy. Seriously, I just got invited to an orgy at Dr. Fauci’s. Honest to god, the next time I hear “N-95” it better be in fifty years when I’m playing Bingo.
—The Tonight Show
“Republicans voted to remove Liz Cheney from her spot as the third-highest-ranking member of the House. I never thought I’d be pro-Cheney in any way, but it has happened. She was removed basically for telling the truth. Cheney isn’t backing down. She says she’ll do everything she can to ensure that the former president never gets near the Oval Office. But she’s used to this—her dad was a dick, too.”
“Trump’s former acting secretary of defense Christopher Miller testified before Congress about the Pentagon’s response to the January 6th Capitol attack and said he was concerned that sending troops would make it look like a military coup, as opposed to what it did look like: free donut day at the Krispy Kreme in Middle Earth.”
“Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed new restrictive voting laws with limits on the location of voter drop boxes and new requirements for voting by mail. Since when does Florida care so much about the law? Last time I was in Florida, I saw a lady lighting fireworks with a crack pipe. Worst gender reveal ever.”
—Michael Che, SNL
“Wow. Southeast Asians attempted to sway the 2020 election in Arizona via ‘bamboo ballots’? Sounds like something your drunkest uncle would say before passing out at his niece’s 6th birthday party.”
“A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. Oh, I’m sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was: Donald Trump launches new blog. That’s right, disgraced fast-food spokesman Donald Trump has launched a website called From the Desk of Donald J. Trump. Though a more accurate name would be: From the Brain Fog of Long-Haul Covid.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
“His book, by the way, is called The Tyranny of Big Tech. Apparently the title Gaslighting For Idiots was taken.”
—Brian Williams on MSNBC, after reporting that Sen. Josh Hawley was hawking his new book on Twitter
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 14, 2021
Note: Tomorrow is National Nylon Stockings Day. Pro tip: Before robbing a bank, place the stockings over your head and then tie up the leg parts behind you so they don’t flop around and distract you during the heist. And above all, have fun! —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Atlantic hurricane season starts: 18
Dates during which Lyft and Uber will provide free rides to vaccine sites: 5/24 to 7/4
Date and time when the Colonial Pipeline came back online: 5/12/21 5pm ET
Rank of South Dakota, Rhode Island, and Wyoming among states that lost the least tree coverage last year, according to a LawnStarter analysis: #1, #2, #3
Months since covid-related deaths have been as low as they are now: 10
Percent of Americans polled by CBS News in 2010 and 2021, respectively, who believed there’s intelligent life on other planets: 47%, 66%
Number of musicians in the orchestra when composer Alexander Courage conducted his original theme for Star Trek 55 years ago: 25
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to putting a cop back on the cyber beat. Remember back when the Trump administration thought a swell move on behalf of the nation would be “taking the gas pedal off of cybersecurity,” and this week the drivers behind actual gas pedals panicked because cyber-thieves cut off our gas until a ransom was paid? Good times! But angry-daddy President Joe Biden is dropping the hammer on our fun by trying to CANCEL future cyber skullduggery:
President Biden signed an Executive Order to improve the nation’s cybersecurity and protect federal government networks.
Recent cybersecurity incidents such as SolarWinds, Microsoft Exchange, and the Colonial Pipeline incident are a sobering reminder that U.S. public and private sector entities increasingly face sophisticated malicious cyber activity from both nation-state actors and cyber criminals.
This Executive Order makes a significant contribution toward modernizing cybersecurity defenses by protecting federal networks, improving information-sharing between the U.S. government and the private sector on cyber issues, and strengthening the United States’ ability to respond to incidents when they occur. It is the first of many ambitious steps the Administration is taking to modernize national cyber defenses.
In a few days the Biden administration will announce its next internet-related initiative: No, Grandma! Don’t Click That!
CHEERS to making the canary sing. Got him! He’s trapped now like a big rat in a small cage encased in cement wedged inside a safe deposit box inside a bank vault inside another bank vault. Former White House counsel Don McGahn has to go before Jerry Nadler’s House Judiciary Committee and tell everything he knows about the obstruction of justice his former boss, the ex-president, committed during Robert Mueller’s Russia-collusion investigation. And the only caveats are…
» The questioning will be held in secret
» He only has to answer questions about information attributed to him in publicly available portions of Mueller’s report, not the 95 percent that was blacked out
» Green M&Ms only, in a Tiffany’s dish once owned by President Chester Arthur
» To thwart would-be thieves, he gets to bring the trash bags full of gas he’s kept in his trunk since last Saturday
» He is allowed three chair-throwing tirades, one of which can be attributable to simply mishearing the question
» Afterward he gets a security guard for six months to protect him from the red-hatted cultists who have already branded him a traitor against Trump The Savior
A public transcript will be issued a week after he testifies, upon which the American public will rise up in unison and demand to know: “Huh?”
CHEERS to hunger control. On Sunday’s date in 1939, folks in Rochester, New York became the recipients of the first food stamps issued by the commie socialist American government under the mind control of Kenyan-born infiltrator (and first confirmed Manchurian candidate, says Conservapedia) Franklin D. Roosevelt.
According to Bon Appétit magazine, the first food stamps were described as “crisp and tender” and quite delicious when paired with a fruity cabernet.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to getting outside in the fresh air—back when we had fresh air. 217 years ago this week, Lewis and Clark set off from their camp in Illinois to go explore just what the hell kind of territory we’d acquired in the Louisiana Purchase. Their first words when they got back: “Somebody needs to invent GPS, and somebody needs to invent GPS now!” Added the welcome committee: “And deodorant.”
CHEERS to home vegetation. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve narrowed my weekend activities down to two things: clean up six months worth of winter dog poop in the yard…or watch a bunch of TV. Probably the latter. The viewing starts tonight with Chris and Rachel on MSNBC unpacking the latest Friday night news dumps. Or you can take part in America’s odd obsession with the British royal family during The Queen Carries On: A Gayle King Special at 8 on CBS. Bill Maher’s guests tonight on Real Time are Neil deGrasse Tyson, Max Brooks, and Dan Carlin. Oops. No Bill Maher tonight on account of he got the covid.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. And in hot clippety-clop-on-clippety-clop action, the 146th Preakness coverage kicks off tomorrow at 5 on NBC. (My money’s on the Kentucky Derby winner all hopped up on drugs—aka “the junky.”) And later that night Keegan-Michael Key hosts SNL.
The title of Sunday night’s new episode of The Simpsons is all I need to tune in: The Man From G.R.A.M.P.A., while on the season finale of Family Guy, the guys reminisce about “their youthful athletic accomplishments.” And because you were all so well-behaved this week, John Oliver will swing by HBO at 11 Sunday night for a new edition of Last Week Tonight. But then it’s straight to bed, buster.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: CDC Director Rochelle Walensky; Reps. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL) and Dan Crenshaw (CULT-TX).
This Week: CDC Director Rochelle Walensky; Liz Cheney.
Face the Nation: Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) and Joni Ernst (CULT-IA); Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); former CISA director and cybercrime fighter Christopher Krebs; Doc Fauci; former FDA director Scott Gottlieb.
CNN’s State of the Union: CDC Director Rochelle Walensky; Gov. Larry Hogan (R-MD); Rep. Fred Upton (CULT-MI); former Rep. Jane Harman hawks a book.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: CDC Director Rochelle Walensky; Liz Cheney.
Ten years ago in C&J: May 14, 2011
JEERS to denying your own competence. Massachusetts has a health insurance system with a mandate, and it seems to be working pretty well—90-something percent of residents are covered, and there’s assistance available for low-income people. Former Governor Mitt Romney is responsible for that pretty good plan. But Mitt Romney wants to be the Republican candidate for president in 2012, so naturally he had to come out yesterday and assure the Republican base: “I really hate the successful plan I fought for as governor and signed into law. Vote for me and I promise you I’ll only fight for and sign into law really shitty plans.” The reviews of his flippity-flop are in, and…thumbs-down from Red State, thumbs-down from National Review, and HUGE thumbs-down from The Wall Street Journal. Mitt may indeed end up the “hold your nose” nominee. But for now he’s got a strike against him that, to conservatives, is almost unpardonable: he’s a bad liar.
And just one more…
CHEERS to a moment of George de vivre. Raise a glass of whatever ya got handy and wish a Happy Birthday to the late George Carlin, who would’ve been 84 this week. He spent many a glorious decade dissecting language, culture, politics and human nature, wielding a comedic scalpel and jackhammer with equal dexterity. All the reason we need to take a moment to revisit a smidgen of the Carlin moments that made Carlin Carlin:
”I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.”
“Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked.”
“If you look around carefully the next time you go out, you’ll notice that there are some really fucked up-looking people walking around.”
”After every horror, we’re told, ‘Now the healing can begin.’ No. There is no healing. Just a short pause before the next horror.”
“No comment” is a comment.
“Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?”
And from his “Rules to Live By” in Brain Droppings, that could be
today’s Trump cult playbook:
10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that doesn’t work.
14. Beware of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you into trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked by some foolish “plan.”
15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about “responsibility.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.
Here endeth the lesson. Happy birthday, George.
Oh, and congrats to Steve Singiser, who has been a contributing editor at Daily Kos for 11 years as of today. They grow up so fast. Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?